By Ava Riddle

During halftime of the November 5, 2018 Cleveland Cavaliers versus Atlanta Hawks NBA basketball game, All-Star Cavalier Kevin Love suffered from an intense panic attack that caused him to be unable to make it back onto the court for the rest of the game. 

However, at the time, no one was aware that it was a panic attack that took him out of the game. It wasn’t until nearly four months after the event that Love revealed the story of his panic attack, as well as his recent struggles with his mental health, in an essay posted in The Player’s Tribune titled “Everyone Is Going Through Something.”

Love’s poignant essay not only addressed the issues he had been facing internally, but it also explained why he felt insecure about anyone finding out about his struggles. Within the essay, he asks himself, “Why was I so concerned with people finding out?” and answers that, “What I was worried about wasn’t just my own inner struggles but how difficult it was to talk about them… I didn’t want people to perceive me as somehow less reliable as a teammate.” He feared that speaking up about how he felt would mean others would see him as a worse player, or less of a man. This message particularly resonated with many. 

Kevin Love playing in a Cavaliers game. Photo credit: Kevin Love on Instagram.

Love speaking up helped increase awareness towards mental health among male athletes. Within the same year, numerous other male athletes spoke up about their struggles as well, including New York Islanders NHL goalie Robin Lehner, who spoke about his struggles with bipolar disorder, and Toronto Raptors guard DeMar DeRozan, who gave details on his depression. 

Now, nearly three years after Love’s essay was published, male athletes are continuing to speak up about their struggles. Most recently in October, Atlanta Falcons wide receiver Calvin Ridley tweeted “I need to step away from football at this time and focus on my mental wellbeing.” And while many fans supported Ridley, there were still numerous critics of his decision as well. These critics believed that Ridley should just be tough and continue playing football. 

Ridley’s critics give way to a larger question: When will this stigma towards male mental health finally end?

Harry Styles’ controversial Vogue cover. Photo credit: Harry Styles on Instagram.

In December 2020, Harry Styles wore a dress for a Vogue photoshoot, and the internet exploded. Conservative commentator Candace Owens criticized Styles for his “feminine” fashion choices and tweeted  “Bring back manly men” in response to his photos. Though Owens’ criticism of Styles for his clothing choices was not related to mental health, it directly called into question society’s concept of masculinity, and what it means to be a man in today’s society.

And what it means to be a man in today’s society has had a direct connection with the stigmatization of male mental health. 

A key layer of the concept of manhood in 2021 is the discussion of the controversial phrase “toxic masculinity.” According to Cambridge Dictionary, “toxic masculinity” can be defined as “ideas about the way that men should behave that are seen as harmful, for example the idea that men should not cry or admit weakness.” The phrase is often thrown around as a way to define why certain men act the way they do. There are many different perspectives on toxic masculinity. There are those who feel that the concept is one of the largest issues within our society, and there are those who believe that the concept does not exist. 

Those who believe that toxic masculinity is one of the main issues of our society strongly believe that the early socialization of negative masculine ideals lead to increased rates of violence in men. This concept is most identified by the Masculine Gender Role Strain Paradigm, devised by Indiana professor Joseph Pleck in 1995. Though devised nearly 25 years ago, this paradigm remains the standard model on the psychological subject of men and masculinity. In short, it defines three stressors that men face from current culture: discrepancy, dysfunction, and trauma. Pleck states that aggression can occur when a man faces any of these stressors. He notes that there can be stress from a self-perceived failure to live up to masculine expectations (known as discrepancy), stress from maintaining masculine expectations (dysfunction), or stress from previous trauma. When men have grown up in a particular environment, it can make them feel certain pressures for the rest of their lives to live up to masculine expectations taught to them. Pleck claims that these stressors lead to men’s negative and idealistic expression of masculinity (“toxic masculinity”), and in many cases violence towards others. 

One all-male extremist organization known as the Proud Boys greatly highlights the concept of negative and idealistic expressions of masculinity, which can lead to violence towards others. Their founder Gavin McInnes described his group on their website in 2018 as “Western chauvinists who refuse to apologize for creating the modern world.” But the group is far less heroic than they would let others believe. In fact, on August 12, 2017, they were a large part of a violent Charlottesville white nationalist protest, which left three dead and around a dozen injured. More recently, the Proud Boys were also a part of the siege on the Capitol on January 6, 2021, where five died and at least 140 police officers were assaulted. 

On the other hand, many believe that the concept of toxic masculinity is purely a myth. In an article in The Philadelphia Inquirer titled “The Myth of Toxic Masculinity: From Gillette Ad to New Male-Centric Guidelines for Psychologists,” columnist Christine M. Flowers claimed that “Masculinity is not toxic. It’s normal, it’s human, and it’s good.” Flowers criticises the term “toxic masculinity” mostly on the fact that she believes the popularized use of the term has led to an increase in anti-male sentiment (or neo-feminism, as defined by Flowers). 

However, psychology has put the true definition of toxic masculinity to the test. Research has found that societal pressures exposed to men at young ages have been and continue to cause men to feel like they must act a certain way in order to feel accepted by society. 

A study at Duke University led by psychology PhD candidate Adam Stanaland created an experiment to test “which men become aggressive to defend their manhood and why.” The experiment gathered a random group of around 400 men, ages 18-56 , and asked them a series of gender-based questions (including questions on sports, automobiles, and construction projects). After they finished, they were randomly told whether or not they scored higher or lower than the average person of their gender. Those with supposedly lower scores were told that they were less manly than the average man. Afterwards, each participant was assigned to complete a series of word fragment problems to test their levels of aggression. One problem given was the letters “k” and “i.” Those who were more aggressive after receiving their results from the gender-based questions would most likely complete the word “kill.” The study found that those most likely to give aggressive responses was the youngest age group (ages 18-29). Stanaland stated that their findings, “led us to hypothesize that younger men feel more pressure and are more sensitive to threats because they are in crucial identity formation years—when it’s important to prove oneself as a ‘man.’”

The internalization of these masculine pressures at a young age has unfortunately led to the crippling mental health crisis seen in young men today. Approximately 79% of all U.S suicide deaths are male, nearly four times the rate of females. In fact, since the year 2000, there has been a sharp rise in suicides among teenage boys. Researchers believe that the increase is largely in part due to the rise of social media exemplifying male pressures towards societal normalities.

I asked a few male Collegiate students how they felt about this statistic, and on the stigma towards male mental health in general. Jonnie Williams (‘22) responded that “I definitely think male mental health is overlooked in our society.” Sam Feder (‘22) stated that “I think we have a really disgusting stigma surrounding men’s mental health across the entire world… it’s obviously rooted in the most negative and constraining aspects of traditional male roles, and I think most everyone agrees that it’s not a political nor a radical thought that men should be able to express themselves and their feelings more openly.”

I agree with Feder, there’s no doubt that this “disgusting” stigma exists. The question remains, how can we put an end to it?

While it may be difficult to find a way to overcome the stigma towards male mental health worldwide, we can make steps in our own Collegiate community to make males feel more comfortable with expressing their emotions in an open sense. 

Former Collegiate coach and counselor Alex Peavey. Photo credit: Collegiate School.

I talked with former Upper School counselor and boys basketball head coach Alex Peavey on what next steps our community should take to overcome the stigma. His main piece of advice on how teachers, coaches, and students can help create a more supportive environment for males was simple: Be better listeners. Peavey explained that, “People will doubt a broken person, but not a broken arm. When you’re broken on the inside, but no one knows, that hurts. We have the opportunity to make each other feel heard, heard on a self-level. Just listen.” Through simply being there as a listener to how our peers, classmates, and friends are feeling, we can help to create a more open community in regards to mental health. 

Going to someone to talk about how you are feeling should not be seen as a weakness at all. In fact, recognizing the fact that you need someone to talk to should be seen as a sign of strength. 

I talked to Upper School counselors Antenette Stokes and Lindsay Bradley about male mental health stigma and the different mental health resources currently available to those who identify as male at Collegiate. Bradley stated that many of the men who come to see her are encouraged by their peers, stating that “the most valuable piece of our community is how everyone cares for one another…because of our close-knit community, most of our referrals are by word of mouth.” Though this increasing peer-to-peer support through referrals has been a positive way to mentally support males in our community, both counselors agreed that our community still has steps to take in normalizing male mental health.

Stokes advised Collegiate males that, “health is not just physical health, it is holistic health – encompassing your mind, body, and spirit … it starts with you making the stride towards being healthy in all the senses.” She also mentioned that coming to see her or Bradley isn’t as scary as it seems, “Sometimes the media projects a certain stigma of what mental health support is supposed to look like. It usually entails someone laying on a couch and the counselor looking over their glasses taking numerous notes while asking you, ‘How do you feel about that?’ It’s funny because that is not what we do! When students come to me, we are usually listening to music, playing games, and just chatting about life. It’s much like coming to chat with an old friend while also getting professional recommendations and support. Getting help doesn’t look as scary as the media makes it seem.”

The more open we are to discussing how we feel mentally and listening to how others feel, the more open our community will feel on the topic of mental health, regardless of gender. 

Feder also gave a piece of advice to any male Collegiate student struggling with their mental health: “I would suggest that it’s really important to have people you feel safe going to with anything you may be struggling with.” Whether it be a relative, friend, coach, or counselor, try to make it a point to have someone to talk things out with. It is much healthier to let out your emotions rather than internalizing them. 

As NBA star Kevin Love said back in 2018, everyone is going through something. No matter what gender, or how tough you perceive that person to be, people are designed to feel emotions. As such, it is highly important to validate others’ feelings, and make people feel heard in order to create a more supportive community for everyone. And through making our community more supportive for all, we can take a step in ending the mental health stigma towards males.