HUMOR

Editor’s note: They actually do get along sometimes.

By Ellie Rogers and Ellie Craig

A fight breaking out in the hallway between the two Ellies. Photo credit: Ellie.

Sometimes people have to share things. Unfortunately for us, we share a name. The name “Ellie” is a true honor, but there can only be one true Ellie. Because there are two of us, and we’ve been friends for a long time, we have had to put up with names such as Craig and Rogers, Ellie #1 and #2, Craigie and Ellie, Ellie squared, and the Ellies. After years of confusion and being given alternate names, this needs to stop. With much encouragement from our fellow Match contributors in the Writing For Publication English class, and from Upper School English teacher and Match adviser Vlastik Svab, we decided to tackle and debate many different topics, both vital and petty, to decide who deserves the honor of being the better “Ellie.”

Coke or Pepsi?

Ellie Craig – Coke. I don’t drink soda frequently, but when I do, I only drink Coke. If a venue only has Pepsi, I politely decline and ask for water instead, because Pepsi is so gross and tastes like extremely flat Coke with extra sugar. I did not realize that anyone actually liked Pepsi until Ellie suggested this debate topic. 

Ellie Rogers – If given the choice, I am definitely a Pepsi person. I used to love Coke, but once, when I was little, I was really really sick and only drank Coke for a week, and since then it has never tasted the same to me. Now it only tastes like sickness. 

Are fish decorations or loving companions?

Ellie Craig – Fish are living decorations. They offer no companionship, they show no signs of wanting to interact with their owners, and they cannot be pet. Pet fish are like paintings; you can look at them, and they are pretty, but you also have to feed them and change their water bowls. I have nothing against fish and feel deep remorse for Ellie’s possible impending loss of her fish Orlando, but I don’t think he offers the same value to her life as her dog, and he seems more like a decoration than a pet to me. 

Ellie Rogers – Anyone that thinks fish are just decorations is just plain rude and taking an animal for granted. My fish is one of my most prized possessions, as he has lived for a very long time, and I am proud of that. It makes me very sad to say that my fish, Orlando, is very sick and on his deathbed. Ellie does not recognize this and thinks it is funny. She is a disgrace. 

Cats or Dogs? 

Ellie Craig – Dogs for sure, because dogs are nicer. Dogs can go places, and dogs can be walked. Cats cannot do these things. They cannot travel or exercise with their owners, without being considered kind of weird. Although there are nice cats, and I like certain cats, fun and nice dogs are much more common, and the best cats often have doglike characteristics. 

Ellie Rogers – Dogs!! Obviously. I have a dog and a cat, and out of the two, my dog is definitely my favorite. When my cat tried to scratch me, my dog comes and gives me a nice lick! When my cat runs away when I try to pet him, my dog happily comes running over whenever he sees me enter a room. Hearing this, how could someone like cats better?!

Eat to live, or live to eat?

Ellie Craig – I think that eating to live can be enjoyable, and that healthy foods make me feel better and have more energy, but can still taste good. Living to eat does not sound as enjoyable.

Ellie Rogers – I am someone who eats to live but only eats good food. I am not the person who eats different or special food every night for dinner, but if the opportunity presents itself, I always enjoy trying new foods and being adventurous. 

Bottled water or tap water?

Ellie Craig – Tap water is perfectly fine with me. I do not taste or see any difference between tap and normal water, and I don’t understand how the other Ellie does. Water is water. Ellie eats off her dishes, so it really doesn’t make sense if she thinks they are washed in dirty water and is fine with eating off dirty dishes? Tap water all the way. 

Ellie Rogers – I never ever drink tap water. Disgusting. It typically tastes really bad, and it grosses me out that it comes from the same place where dishes are washed. I feel like gross germs and old food splash onto the faucet and therefore contaminate the water. My least favorite thing is going to a friend’s house and they only drinking tap water. Filtered water only. 

15 minutes of fame?

Ellie Craig – Yes, I think it would be fun to get a taste of fame, and it would be perfect for only a short time. I can see how the world watching your every move could be exhausting, and I would quickly be tired of not being able to easily go out in public.

Ellie Rogers – Honestly, no. I think if I were to be famous, I would be meant for a lifetime of it, and not just 15 minutes worth. 15 minutes of fame sounds disappointing to me, and after the 15 minutes, I would be irrelevant, and that is even worse. 

Is cereal soup?

Ellie Craig – No, cereal is mixed together at the last moment before eating it, soup takes time to meld together, and must be cooked or blended. Cereal could be a soup if it could sustain being left in milk, but when left combined it turns into soggy cereal, and no one eats soggy cereal.

Ellie Rogers – Yes. Soup is cereal. Example – chicken noodle soup. The chicken and noodles are the cereals, and the broth is the milk. 

How many chickens would it take to kill an elephant?

Ellie Craig – None, a flock of chickens would have no reasonable desire to kill an elephant, so you could add as many chickens as you want, but they aren’t going to go after an elephant.

Ellie Rogers – I think it would take like a flock of chickens, maybe around 200, to swarm an elephant and kill it. This is a weird question. But I think it is possible. 

If you were arrested with no explanation, what would the other Ellie think you had done?

Ellie Craig – I think Ellie Rogers would be arrested for licking a public toilet seat, most likely because she was dared. While I am not sure this is a crime, she would probably steal the toilet seat to prove that she licked it, and when seen exiting the restroom with a toilet seat would be questioned by a police officer. Ellie then would probably put the toilet seat around their neck and suggest the officer wears it as a necklace and then be arrested for some sort of mild assault of a police officer.

Ellie Rogers – I think Ellie Craig would be arrested for something like this: I think that a group of her criminal friends would ask her to help with a heist, unknowing that she would eventually get them all caught. Her “criminal friends” would want to steal some money and ask Ellie to be the guard outside of the bank or wherever they would want the money from. Ellie would proceed to get nervous and call the cops on all of her friends and eventually go to jail with them too. 

If you could change your name, what would you change it to? 

Ellie Craig – Blair, but I like the name Ellie (for certain people). Ellie probably wants to be named something “different,” like Gertrude, or, if she wants to be exotic: Coconut.

Ellie Rogers – I would not want my name to be Blair. Definitely not. I don’t have a specific name I’d rather be named, and like my name for the most part. But some of my friends, like Haley Jenkins (‘21) and Brooke Mattingly (‘21), think I look more like a “Molly” or “Emily.” 

Would you rather fight one horse-sized duck or 100 duck-sized horses? 

Ellie Craig – One horse-sized duck, because it’s easier to see when it’s coming at you. 100 duck-sized horses could simply swarm and end the fight. 1 v 1, there might be a chance. Ellie is not taking into consideration the question involves a fight; she has to fight one of them, not befriend them. 

Ellie Rogers – 100 duck-sized horses. Simple. They would be cute, and I would befriend them and then proceed to subdue them once they trust me. Horses trust humans more than ducks, so this plan would be easier. 

If you were a pair of shoes, which pair would you be?

Ellie Craig – I would be a pair of cowboy boots. They come in so many different varieties and can be used for anything, ranging from a formal occasion to being perfect for a muddy activity or, like Ellie said, time on a farm. Cowboy boots are often beautiful and match with almost any outfit. Ellie would want to be Golden Goose shoes. So impractical. While they are cool and look nice, they are also $400 tennis shoes. 

Ellie Rogers – Definitely a nice pair of Golden Goose shoes. I just feel like these shoes represent my style and expensive taste. Ellie would probably say that she would be some farm shoes that are dirty. Classic. 

Minor frostbite or major sunburn? 

Ellie Craig – Major sunburn, because I would much rather be hot than cold. Also, as horrible as sunburns are for you, they often result in a tan, and when properly treated are pretty bearable. Frostbite sounds incredibly painful. I struggle to walk from the parking lot on a cold morning without wondering if my fingers are going to fall off, and the coldness leaves them in immense pain. 

Ellie Rogers – Major sunburn, because I’ve already had a few, and while they are excruciatingly painful they eventually pass after sometime. Also I like the hot more than cold, and frostbite while in the cold sounds miserable. 

Would you rather be a garden gnome or Elf on the Shelf? 

Ellie Craig-  I have always liked Elves on Shelves, but I would prefer to be a garden gnome. I think garden gnomes have more freedom. Elves are always being watched by little kids. I also prefer the outdoors.  

Ellie Rogers – As a young child, I never had an Elf on the Shelf and never got the experience the fun of it. Therefore, I just feel as I would rather be a garden gnome. I think that they are cuter, and it would be easier for me to have  family and friends as a garden gnome, and both of those things are very important to me. 

Now that you, the readers, have gotten to know us, who do you think is the better Ellie? Let us know!