The Official Cougar Holiday Gift Guide 2016

HUMOR

Are you having trouble finding a gift for that special Cougar in your life? Search no more — The Match is here to help you navigate the holiday season! We’ve graciously compiled the following list of real, actual gifts from the world of online shopping, inspired by award-winning humorist Dave Barry’s satirical holiday gift guides. Happy holidays!


Shocking Liar Lie Detector Game — $17.85

Shocking Liar Lie Detector Game

Shocking Liar Lie Detector Game

Looking to instill Collegiate’s most integral value into the developing mind of a young Cougar? Looking to refine an older Cougar’s sense of honor in the heat of exam season? The Shocking Liar Lie Detector is perfect for family fun and operant conditioning alike!

Complete with suction cups and a velcro strap to hold your victim…er…uh… gift recipient in place, the Shocking Liar Lie Detector delivers a “safe-but-stinging shock that’ll make you think twice before you fudge the facts again,” according to its product description. “[T]he truth will set you free. Anything less… and ZZzzzap!”

*Disclaimer*

The Shocking Liar Lie Detector may not be suitable for elderly Cougs, Cougs under the age of 14, Cougs wearing pacemakers, Cougs wearing school-appropriate jeans, or pregnant Cougs. Must be Class of ‘16 or older to purchase. Teacher supervision and a parentally-notarized, 19,478-page waiver required for in-school use.


Hipster Nativity Set — $129.99

Hipster Nativity Scene

Hipster Nativity Set

Just like the Biblical nativity scene! (If the baby Jesus were born in a stable powered by solar panels… with selfie-taking, Starbucks-drinking parents… and the Wise Men arrived on Segways… and the barn animals were 100% organic… and ate GMO and pesticide-free hay.)

At $129.99, the Hipster Nativity Set may cut into your beanie and flannel budget. Yet this modern take on a 2016-year-old classic is sure to brighten the holiday spirit at your apartment in the Fan, in between hot yoga sessions and trips to the VMFA.

The ideal gift for award-winning, screenplay-writing English teachers with erratic hair styles.


Medium Leather Wrapped Stone — $85.00

Useful? Maybe.

Medium Leather Wrapped Stone

Medium Leather Wrapped Stone

Elegant? Arguably.

Overpriced? Probably.

The perfect gift for a fellow Cougar? Unquestionably.

“[T]his smooth Los Angeles-area stone—wrapped in rich, vegetable-tanned American leather secured by sturdy contrast whipstitching— is sure to draw attention wherever it rests,” claims Nordstrom. I couldn’t tell you what it means to be “vegetable-tanned” or “secured by sturdy contrast whipstitching,” but that’s beside the point.

This tasteful masterpiece is hand-crafted by artist Peter Maxwell, who “aims to create beautiful designs that embody both simplicity and functionality.”

Artsy Cougs will be awed by its ornate design, yet all Cougs will appreciate its versatility — the Medium Leather Wrapped stone can be employed as artwork, a paperweight, a projectile, a coaster, an abacus, or a Russell Wilson jersey.


Bacon Ornament — $6.99

Do I really need to elaborate on why this is a good idea?

Bacon Ornament

Bacon Ornament.

You’d be hard-pressed to find a carnivorous Coug devoid of intense passion for slabs of cured pork belly.

What better way to promote reverence for this deified breakfast side that to display a glistening, metallic Bacon Ornament on your tree?

For added effect, wrap your Bacon Ornament gift in Bacon Gift Wrap ($2.00), and use it as a Bacon Stocking ($5.00) stuffer!

Bacon Gift Wrap and Stocking

Bacon Gift Wrap and Stocking.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Messiah Mints — $3.99

Messiah Mints

Messiah Mints.

At first glance, Messiah Mints may appear religious, but in reality, they’re non-sectarian mints, founded upon Judeo-Christian values.

A box of Messiah Mints would make a fabulous Christma…er…um… holiday gift for freshman boys, but you can be sure that Cougs of all ages will appreciate a little Jesus in their breath.


Peppermint-Scented Caffeinated Soap — $9.95

The name says it all.

Caffeinated Soap

Caffeinated Soap

Do you know a fellow Coug struggling to stay awake through assembly, yet failing to find enough time for a coffee break?

Delivering a potent dose of 200-250 mg of caffeine (2-2.5 times a cup of typical coffee), Caffeinated Soap can be seamlessly integrated into a morning routine to provide a much-needed jolt of energy on Flex Days. Each bar of soap lasts approximately 12-15 showers, or 6-7 months for most students.

Ideal for AP Chemistry students, as well as all members of the math department.


Vineyard Vines Gift Card — $25.00-$500.00

If you don't know what this is, you don't go to Collegiate.

If all else fails, you can never go wrong with this Cougar classic!


 

 

 

 

All photos from products’ websites.

Featured image: username asenat29 via flickr.

About the author

Parker Conquest is a senior at Collegiate School.