An Open Letter to That Black SUV

HUMOR

Dear That Black SUV,

As a student driver, conscientious citizen, and human being, I have a few things I would like to address with you. I should begin by saying that I understand you have other places to be, office building parking lots to sit in, gas stations to visit. However, please note that the fact that you have somewhere else to be is not a justifiable excuse to park your land-barge-sized self in the middle of the parking lot while the little people in your back seat go off to school. Surprisingly enough, it is very difficult for us other drivers to go around you when you are parked there.

Sometimes I see you in the afternoon, sitting somewhere you’re not supposed to. Does it make you feel like a rebel? Do you like living life on the edge? I see the appeal, but you confuse people, just sitting there. One time, I had the misfortune of being parked right behind you. I had immense difficulty getting out, not only because you were mostly blocking me in, but also because I have the backing up ability of a blind chihuahua. I can normally navigate the peril of the East Lot at the zenith of parking lot traffic (3:23 PM). However, this time I was forced to put my life, and your paint job, in epic danger as I attempted to squeeze by you. I made it out with myself and your shiny black exterior still intact, but next time we might not be so lucky.

In the rare event that you actually decide to park yourself in an actual parking spot, I would greatly appreciate it if you would kindly use your turn indicator. A brilliant invention, the turn indicator effectively lets us drivers stuck behind you know why you’re suddenly slowing to the speed of a wounded sloth. Given your tremendous size, I understand that turning is a great feat that requires extensive thought and deceleration, but without your turn indicator, nobody else can know what you’re going through. Without your turn indicator, nobody else can understand.

Don’t take this the wrong way, but you are really a whale of a car. What do you do with all that space? Do you keep an inflatable bouncy house in your trunk for that unexpected child’s birthday party? Or does your owner have a pet cow that you drive around? Perhaps you are filled with yoga pants in an attempt to save closet space? You really give those weird-smelling Collegiate mini-vans a run for their money.

Please understand that I don’t resent you at all. Yes, you are the reason I give myself an extra five minutes to get to school than I really need, but I don’t think our parking lot would be quite the same without you.

Sincerely,

Gillian Laming

P.S. – Will you please explain your vanity license plate to me? I don’t get it.  

Featured image credit: Michael Simari via Car and Driver. 

About the author

Gillian is a senior at Collegiate.