The Rise and Fall of Brangelina

HUMOR

As the dust settles it is hard to see the war zone. No one can visualize who the victor is. Then, all of a sudden, a giant fountain appears out of nowhere, and a figure is splashing in it. Speakers rise up, and the song is played. Everybody knows the guitar, and then the words come: “So no one told you life was gonna’ be this way…” The theme song for Friends is played, and the blonde-haired-beauty rises up on the battlefield. Jennifer Aniston slowly walks towards the severely wounded Brad Pitt and the heavily armed Angelina Jolie. Jennifer slowly says, “We were on a break.”

Before the travesty of this occasion, there were two happy couples and one sad Jonny Lee Miller. On July 29th, 2000, a couple bonded together in Hollywood matrimony, and I’m not talking about Brangelina. The couple was Brennifer. Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston was a force to be reckoned with. They were a superpower of the world; everyone followed it. At the same time, Bobalina. Billy Bob Thornton and Angelina Jolie were as happy as any Hollywood couple could be. This, however, was Jolie’s second marriage; her first was the developing country of Jonny Lee Miller, which ended quickly. Though these marriages seemed perfect, they were in the world of Hollywood, so alliances are always broken. The Allied powers, Brennifer, and the Axis, Bobalina, broke off because a peculiar telegram was received that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were secretly in love. This was less popularly known as the Mr and Mrs Smith Telegram. (Warning: this trailer does contain explicit material which may be disturbing to some viewers. Viewer discretion is advised.)

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Brangelina at the 2007 Cannes Film Festival. Photo credit: Georges Biard.

The devastating break up of Brennifer did not last long. Brangalenia soon became the next almighty power, and everyone was joyous, especially Vietnam, Cambodia, and Ethiopia. These three countries became the alliances adopted by the heart of Brad and Angelina, while three others were brought straight into this world through the love of mother and father. Brangelina dominated the world for over 15 years, bringing everyone to tears with their power. Refugee camps across the globe encouragingly accepted Jolie’s aid, while houses were being built for the less fortunate by Pitt. They were not just King and Queen anymore, but good will ambassadors.

There was only one problem: in the world of Hollywood, these alliances do not last.

There are many rumors as to what brought about the downfall of Brangelina. Some say that Brad had an affair with French actress Marion Cotillard, but she quickly shut that down, “Merci beaucoup.” There were other allegations of child abuse, alcohol abuse, and drug abuse. Even though no one currently knows the truth, emotions are still running high. “Every night I cry. This couple gave me hope. Now, how will I ever be motivated to finish high school?!” Sheldon Speedmeyer (‘17) said through tears. 

What remains now is an empty void in the hearts of the Brangelina followers and seemingly nothing to fill it. This catastrophe will be a hard one to move on from. However, there is a shimmer of hope, and her name is Jennifer Anniston. She overcame the assassination of her marriage and then recently got married to Justin Theroux. Brangelina will still be a difficult tragedy to defeat, but when there is a Br-will there is a Br-way.

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