Collegiate Announces New Dress Code


The classic “Pizza Onesie,” available in the Cougar Shop soon.

After much deliberation, the administration has decided that the Collegiate dress code is far too outdated, and does not reflect the modern, forward-thinking ideals that we want to portray through our student’s appearances. Thus, we have an important renouncement. From now on, all members of the Collegiate student body will be required to wear onesies. We understand that the sentiment towards clothing and fashion is an ever-changing one, and we wish to address this with the utmost regard for our student’s personal expression as well as the well-being of our esteemed community.

Onesies are the ultimate article of clothing, in that they are completely modest, and cover nearly every inch of skin, while also being trendy and fun. The wide variety of onesie styles and colors will allow the students to continue to express their individuality with their clothing tastes, however, the “classy” look of our students will be maintained through the skin-covering properties of the onesie. To further keep the students looking well-dressed, we will enforce a strict “No rear flaps open” rule. Anyone found with the flap of their onesie undone will have to park in the church lot for a week.

We do not foresee any problems with this new dress code, since students will enjoy our choice in comfortable clothing which also ensures freedom of expression, while everyone else will will be assured that every last possible inch of the students’ bodies are covered.

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About the author

Gabi is a superb, sensational, sumptuous senior at Collegiate. Her spirit animal is a raccoon, and in her spare time, she enjoys playing Pokemon, doing titrations, and practicing banjo.