April Fools Headlines

Miley Cyrus To Be Named New Upper School Head

Changes to include No Dress Code, Onesies required, AP Twerking, & Foam Fingers for all sporting events.

Robert E. Lee To Be Named New Upper School Head

A Woman To Be Named New Upper School Head

Prof. Umbrage To Be Named New Upper School Head

Scott Werwath To Be Named New Upper School Head

AP Calculus AB will be banned.

Marv To Be Named New Upper School Head

Ernie The Soup Ninja To Be Named New Upper School Head

Bisque for everyone!

Julie Miller To Be Named New Upper School Head

All Tardies will be Unexcused.

Harry Reid To Be Named New Upper School Head

iPhone 6 To Be Named New Upper School Head

Ted Cruz To Be Named New Upper School Head

All science classes to be banned.

Elmo To Be Named New Upper School Head

AP Tickling

Hart Johnson To Be Named New Upper School Head

Concealed Carry required for all, .45 caliber minimum.

Kendrick Lamar To Be Named New Upper School Head

Sheldon Speedmeyer To Be Named New Upper School Head

Hillary Clinton To Be Named New Upper School Head

Monica Lewinksy to be named Upper School Assistant Head

Doc Hailes To Be Named Old Upper School Head

Bubba Lawson To Be Named New Upper School Head

Half-Wraith Lyle To Be Named New Upper School Head

Richard Nixon To Be Named New Upper School Head

Pandas for all (for lunch), new audio equipment for the AC.

Mr. Losambe’s Baby To Be Named New Upper School Head

Collegiate Security Actually Catches Criminal

Collegiate Introduces Fraternities & Sororities; Promptly Bans Them

Green vs. Gold Actually Matters

All Collegiate Seniors To Go Back To Kindergarten

All Parking Problems Solved

Groundhog Says Six More Weeks of Winter… Again

Collegiate Student Comes To School Well-Rested

Security Cameras To Be Installed In Every Bathroom Stall

Editorial: Twelfth Night Lasted Only Three Nights – We Feel Cheated

Fall Musical: 100 Shades of Green and Gold

David Headley Passed Over As Host Of The Daily Show

Harkness Table Cracks In Two

Candle-light vigil to be held next five minute break

Sandbox Takes Delivery Of Real Live Sand and Tiny Little Crabs

Collegiate Makes All Financial Records Public

Coffee At Collegiate Now Negative-Caf

New Season: American Horror Story: Flex Day

Hillary Clinton Deletes All Collegiate Email

Hart Johnson Lights Fire

Julie Miller Out Of Staples

I’ve Fallen And I Can’t Get Up

Mr. Reynolds Won’t Come Out Of The Woods

Student Actually Enjoyed Math Class

Miracle Of The Century: No One Loses Anything!

Okonkwo Still Searching For Yams

Rian Baxter Wears Pants To School     

Support out Kickstarter campaign at buyrianpants.com.

Mr. Rein Participates In Senior Assassin 

Follansbee Wardrobe Now To Include Ketchup & Relish

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About the author

Sheldon has been writing for The Match since 2007. He is a perpetual senior, coming close to graduating a few times. In his free time, he enjoys watersports, such as chess and calculus.