The Christmas Card You Never Received (But Wish You Had)

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Dear plebs,

We hope this Chrismahannukwanzaa Soltice Carnival card finds you well! It has been an eventful year for The Match Family. We would like to fill you in on some of our highlights from our fantastic first semester, in case you weren’t paying attention or didn’t care. The fact is we are Collegiate’s finest and frankly, only reliable news source. So, you should care. If you still don’t, we’re not mad, just disappointed. From lightbulbs to shoulderz, from strobelights to snapchats, our family has certainly accomplished some unique things this year. Does your family watch “Old Greg” while eating brownies? Does your family talk about things better done aggressively, or common household euphemisms? I didn’t think so. Don’t worry, because this card, along with some of our Holiday events, are sure to make your inadequate holiday much brighter. We have remastered the tired, and frankly, boring “The Twelve Days of Christmas” song into a musical masterpiece, called “The Twelve Flex Days of Collegiate Christmas.” Didn’t find any love over the holidays? Our Matchmakers will fix you up with a fly honey in no time by Valentine’s Day. We hope you have a 2015 as entertaining and unusual as our Match family!

Wishing you a Merry Match-mas and Happy Chrismahannukwanzaa Solstice Carnival with love,

The Match

About the author

Gabi is a superb, sensational, sumptuous senior at Collegiate. Her spirit animal is a raccoon, and in her spare time, she enjoys playing Pokemon, doing titrations, and practicing banjo.