New Collegiate Head Enters Bid For Winter Olympics

Hoping to define himself as a powerful world leader, Steve Hickman applied the Collegiate School as a candidate for the 2022 Winter Olympics on Tuesday.  “I want the world to see that although we have a new leader, we’re as powerful a school as ever,” Hickman said from his office on the thirtieth floor of the new Olympic Torch, constructed on the former site of the Octagon.  “I believe we have the resources to host the greatest Winter Olympics yet,” he commented as he looked down upon the students below, like insects.

To accommodate the event, Hickman has commissioned the reconstruction and renovation of many facilities to house Olympic Winter sports, none of which are offered for students during the school year.  The Collegiate School Aquatic Center was quickly converted into an ice skating rink without the permission of Trinity, Poseidon, or any of the other co-owners of the pool.  Similarly, the track and field are being converted into a multi-million dollar speed skating track and curling arena, respectively. When asked for comments, the swimming team and track team said they had no complaints, while the distance track team was unable to be found.

As with any Olympic bid, there are protests and doubts against Hickman’s actions.  Parents in Mooreland Farms have voiced concerns that students will not be able to foster their love of learning with the classrooms being converted into living space for athletes.  Residents along Blair Road have also complained about the noise and debris caused by the construction of an artificial mountain range and resort in the Robins Campus. Vladimir Putin has pointed out that the games would create so much traffic that it would take about five more hours just to turn onto Mooreland. Senior Trey Schmol commented, angrily, that “I don’t see how this helps the school at all. We don’t have enough parking as it is.”

Hickman is nevertheless undeterred.  “We’ve successfully hosted the International Emerging Leader’s Conference three times already, hosting more than thirty people from all around the globe every year. We’ve also got plenty of money to bribe them with.”  He also assured that all bribery money would come from donations and leave his paycheck unscathed. The International Olympic Committee has only noted that Richmond received about two more feet of snowfall than Sochi did the past winter, and as such is an extremely viable stage for an extravagantly failed attempt to display power.

About the author

Sheldon has been writing for The Match since 2007. He is a perpetual senior, coming close to graduating a few times. In his free time, he enjoys watersports, such as chess and calculus.