You Know You’re At Collegiate When…

10. … your golf cart stalls.

9. … the students strike because the Cafe runs out of lattes.

i. … when there are iPhone chargers in the bathroom stalls.

8. … there’s a five dollar bill on the water fountain all day.

7. … even the dogs deserve a higher education.

7.7. … when you have Bagels with Ben.

7.5. … Smoothie King comes to you.

8. … your phone has a parking space.

3245. … when you take “Mental Health Days.”

6. … your parents bought your new car in eighth grade.

5. … your brother’s name is Laxtopher.

4.3 … when you’re planning to major in Cornhole.

4. … you’re trampled for chicken tenders.

3. … you’re lined up by IQ for the fire drill.

2.5. … when you’ve shanked someone for the last slice of breakfast pizza.

2. … you’re on a first name basis with the employees of Chipotle.

1.772. … when counting doesn’t count.

1.5. … you’ve had your teeth replaced with pearls.

1.2. … when Julia’s parody schedule makes more sense than the new one.


About the author

Sheldon has been writing for The Match since 2007. He is a perpetual senior, coming close to graduating a few times. In his free time, he enjoys watersports, such as chess and calculus.