Phillip Colon Secedes From The Union

In a move that has shocked few, Phillip Colon announced his secession this past Wednesday. He walked out to the parking lot, plopped down in some bushes in a north lot median, and claimed the territory for the Republic of Colonia. His flag, planted firmly in the mulch, depicts two faces against a bright red background. On the right is famed historian and anarchist Howard Zinn; on the left is Karl Marx.

ColoniaFlag

Colon stated that he is tired of living under the oppressive Rein regime. He wants to declare, in the name of “students’ rights,” that he is going to be “free from the yolk of unjust tyrrany” that is life in the Upper School. While critics maintain that Colon hopes to establish a socialist Muslim anarcho-Obamacracy, Colon says he wishes to simply “preserve my culture and heritage as I see it. The aggression coming from my opponents will be met with massive resistance, and I will not yield this median. This action… could be an unnecessary condition of affairs, and might have been avoided if forebearance and wisdom had been practiced.” He hopes that his secession will be met peacefully, although he is distrustful of the Rein administration’s pledge of a non-violent response. As of Saturday evening, the 8th grade boys’ lacrosse team was spotted camped in the trees around the creek, armed with lacrosse sticks aimed at Colon’s outpost. Such military escalation does not bode well for Phil.

Reaction from the community was mixed. Local historian T. Lengel, when asked for analysis of the secessionist debate, responded by belting out the old showtune “Old Man River.” Another notable Richmond historian, Dr. B. Ross, has re-grown his beard in protest. Junior M. Roberts responded by chucking an empty Starbucks cup at Colon’s head as she drove by. Senior Daniel H. said, “It’s shameful. Secession was, and is, a terrible idea. It obviously doesn’t work. Colonia is doomed.” Colon’s brother, Drew, simply shook his head and said, “Phillip is weird. I’ve never understood that guy.” Colon’s father, Academic Dean David Colon, began singing “The Internationale” when asked for comment. Phillip’s mother Nancy simply wept.

At press time, Phillip was seen sitting calmly among the bushes and flowers, munching on a Hot Pocket.

 

About the author

Sheldon has been writing for The Match since 2007. He is a perpetual senior, coming close to graduating a few times. In his free time, he enjoys watersports, such as chess and calculus.