Cougar Compliments Corrupts Collegiate

Unless you currently reside in a large slab of limestone, you have heard of “Cougar Compliments,” a Facebook/ Twitter account where Collegiate students can submit anonymous compliments about their peers. However, what you may not know is that this underhanded “Cougar Compliments” is poisoning our community with Satanic practices and vanity.

Yes, that’s right! This seemingly harmless compliment revolution is actually just a façade!

The fact is, Cougar Compliments is a hatchery for false compliments and hidden pagan sermons. Don’t believe me? WITNESS THE PROFANITY:

Exhibit A:

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This “compliment” is the perfect example of the vanity that this heathen account is injecting into our veins. Price Withers obviously submitted this anonymous compliment. He thought he could fool us, but he was wrong. He made one grave mistake. No freshman will ever be “cool.”

Also, 7 people liked this post. That’s an obvious sign that the devil is at work.

Illustration √24:

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This is an obvious self-compliment. No one but Deborah Afolayan knows Deborah Afolayan well enough to write her this compliment. In fact, her name isn’t Deborah Afolayan at all. She is really Lisette Archambault, the infamous French spy who works for Doc Hailes to gather juicy underclassmen gossip.

Representation Roman Numeral Twenty Seven:

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I am shocked that this comment was even written. This blatant pagan propaganda is sickening. I’m quite surprised that Ashton Pollard is still falling for the Aztec scam! She’s going to University of Pennsylvania, for Pete’s sake. You’d think someone who’s that smart could realize that the world didn’t end!

As you can see, this abomination “Cougar Compliments” is really Deven Shakya’s plot to expose us as the bratty, cliquey, private school elitists we really are. He’s obviously following in the steps of his country-pop heroine Taylor Swift and luring us into a relationship with his Venus fly trap of a Facebook page until he can gather enough incriminating information to write a Grammy winning album.

I refuse to be a part of this fascist plot and I urge my fellow students to follow in my extremely knowledgeable footsteps.

About the author

Julia is a senior who is still silently judging you.