The Collegiate Prom theme, after intensive discussion and discourse, has been changed from The Great Gatsby to The Catcher in the Rye, mainly due to increasing automobile insurance costs as well as rising phoniness levels detected within the Commonwealth.
Have no fear, though! There will be plenty to do, for chrissake. Red hunting hats are required to attend (it’s better than wearing tiaras and flapper dresses). We will also be providing baseball mitts for the inclined guest to write angsty teenage poetry or quotes about alienation or how unfair the world is.
This prom will be held at Maymont so that everyone can look into the duck pond and wonder about the transitory nature of life. We ask that you do not talk to anyone (not even your date!) when you are reflecting here, as Salinger would. If anyone attempts to speak to you, smolder inconspicuously and glare at them from behind your thick-rimmed glasses. When you arrive at the dance floor, however, it is requested that you have a ratio of one “that kills me” to every three sentences as well as mentioning the word “phony” after every other word. Additionally, when speaking, please be as redundant and as pretentious as possible.
A carousel will be provided so that everyone may cry their eyes out when a young child reaches the golden ring, for no apparent reason. If you cannot cry, please at least attempt. Don’t spoil this incredible moment.
The prom board apologizes for these late changes, but at least this way, none of those goddamn phonies are going to show up!