Breaking News: Netflix No More – Banned in US

The CEO of Netflix, Reed Hastings, announced earlier today at a press conference that Netflix, the multi-billion dollar television and movie streaming program, will be shut down as per request of the government, starting Tuesday, April 8. Read the official statement from Hastings below:

Today, it is my deepest regret that I must announce Netflix’s termination in the United States. The American government has ordered for our program to be shut down in the United States due to several consequences that stem from our program. Of the many issues that the government sees, excessive binge-watching of popular shows such as House of Cards and Gossip Girl is of utmost concern. While this is normally behavior that is acceptable in a free country like America, teens have devoted, on average, 14 hours daily to watching their favorite shows. There has been a dramatic decrease in national standardize testing scores as well as a startling increase in obesity levels due to the lack of physical exercise that Netflix addicts receive.

The repercussions of this event have already begun, and professionals expect the effects on so called “extreme binge-watchers” to be long-lasting. When one avid Netflix watcher, Kimmie St. Port Charvet, was asked how she felt, she retaliated with this response:

I have like, literally, never felt so powerless. Like, I can’t even breathe. My life without Netflix is like J Biebs making smart decisions…it just doesn’t happen.

Another teen, Hermie Mermie Shermie, who claims to spend an astounding 18 hours in his room each day watching his favorite show Baywatch, is even more ruffled by this decision than the aforementioned teen:

Today marks the most disgraceful day in American history. I have been forced, against my will, to spend time speaking to my parents, breathing in fresh air, and “socializing” with my peers. Immigration to North Korea doesn’t sound too bad now.

In order to make sure that clever teens do not find another program similar to Netflix, the government has also decided to buy out all competitors, including Hulu.

In hallways across America, teens are commencing their plot against our nation’s government. Will anarchy ensue? Only if the strategies and schemes used in Gossip Girl and House of Cards are used.

About the author

Emily is a senior and co-editor of "The Match." In her spare time, she enjoys brunching on Sundays, and her spirit animal is Blair Waldorf.